Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you to Limitless Airlines, where we believe the sky’s the limit. In preparation for the boarding process, we have a few reminders to help ensure you have the best flight possible.
For those of you joining us for your very first flight on Limitless Airlines, you may have noticed your boarding pass does not indicate a specific seat. That’s because our seats are completely unassigned due to the fact they’re actually long benches salvaged from soviet fighter planes. The engines too, I’m required to mention.
If you brought more than 13 pounds of luggage with you, we’ve placed helpfully labeled bins here by the podium to help you select which items you’ll be parting with today in order to meet our weight restrictions. Suggested items include designer goods, toiletries more than half full, and paperback books that have recently been on, or are still on, the NY Times Bestseller list.
Just a moment. My colleague here has an update … We have a special opportunity for one lucky volunteer! It seems we are one seat short in the cabin, but we do have space for someone where our co-pilot would normally sit if he wasn’t on strike. You will need to sign an affidavit promising not to touch the buttons or pedals at any time, unless instructed by an air traffic controller during an emergency landing. Come and see me at the podium if this interests you.
Where was I? Oh yes. As a reminder, our journey from LA to Seattle today will take about 13 hours due to the various stops we'll make. As a way to stay afloat, our airplanes are also courier vessels for the other side of our business, in which we sell like-new designer goods, recycled health and beauty items, and currently trending reading materials. Please be advised as new orders roll in, we may add additional stops to our journey.
Now, this is a recent change that returning customers may not be familiar with, and that’s that in order to cut costs, we did have to do away with flight attendants, so you'll find a small vending machine at the back of the plane. Here, you’ll find an assortment of snacks such as non-roasted, no-salt peanuts; Hungry-Man XXL in Backyard Barbecue flavor; Off-Red Vines®; and thirst-quenching refreshments like an empty plastic bottle you can fill from the restroom faucet. Our vending machines are cash only, accepting bills ten dollars or larger.
On a somewhat related note, the toilets onboard the aircraft are pay-for-use only, so if you can’t afford the $7.99 fee, or expect your current digestive situation will require a bathroom visit to take longer than five minutes, you should address that here in the terminal.
Note that although our schedules are subject to change, your happiness is not. Our policies require that you remain at the same level of happiness as when you booked your flight. Any change in your happiness, and we will charge you an additional $75 inconvenience fee for any social media complaints or complaints directed at our customer service hotline.
We will now begin the boarding process starting with our Gold Star Platinum Members …
… And now welcoming travelers who have 5 or more punches on their frequent flyer loyalty card.
… Babies under 6 months traveling without their parents, you’re invited to make your way up.
… We’ll pause for a few moments in memoriam as we allow the spirit of Limitless Airlines’ founder, Bob Telleson, to board.
… Customers born in the Canadian territory of Nunavut on, or before, September 24th, 1973, welcome aboard.
… Anyone planning on purchasing more than $50 in snacks that has a bank statement proving you can afford it, please make your way to the gate.
… And finally, anyone still left in the boarding area, it’s our pleasure to get you onboard.
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