I’ve lived in SF for over 4 years now, and I’m certainly not claiming to know everything about this place, but I do know a lot, and I want to share what I’ve learned with you.
#1: Learn how to out crazy the crazy, or at least how to run fast.
I still haven’t figured out if the city makes you crazy, or just attracts crazies, but I never plan on sticking around long enough to find out the answer. The other day on the 38 Geary, a crackhead was hanging on to an overhead bar, clutching his lighter and violently twitching. A man in the back of the bus in his gravely street voice talked about kicking down doors and cracking heads and “the situation in Palestine.” And I swear to GOD the guy next to me crossed his fingers in hope he’d make it to his stop. They’re everywhere, even in Pac Heights, where I live, only they exist in a different form. The crazies there wear blazers while they collect cans and plug their salvaged laptops in to hidden outlets and steal wifi from Starbucks to watch YouTube videos. But they’re there, and they’re here, and that’s what you need to prepare yourself for. I can’t tell you how to out crazy the crazy, but I can suggest it involves loud noises, dramatic movements and possibly barking.
#2: Never buy anything of value, especially not an iPhone.
You may think of that Apple logo as a status symbol, but thieves think of it as something to trade in for a chunk of change at 7th & Mission. I was wrestled to the ground at Divisadero & Geary for a phone that was in my pocket, so it amazes me to see people on the bus and street practically offering their phones up like it’s on a serving platter. So, don’t waste money on expensive pieces of technology, and anyway, if there’s anything we can learn from Instagram reviving the popularity of old school-ness, it’s that Razr flip phones are on their way back in.
#3: Either earn a ton of money, or figure out how to scrounge every penny.
I’ve lived in the same studio apartment the entire four years I’ve been in San Francisco. When I first moved here, I was definitely not making the same money I am now. I lived it up, but I was not tossing cocktails back at the Ritz. And well, I guess I’m still not, but that’s just garish anyway. For the first 3 years I lived in my studio, I kept the same Ikea furniture I’d had in college and didn’t turn the heat on the save my life; literally, I think I almost lost a few toes to frostbite. I’d pre-party like I was 19 again and walk 2 miles alone at 2:30 am to save on cab fare. So if you’re not raking it in to live a normal life, which here in SF is at least $750,000 per year, figure out where you can throw a couple extra pennies toward the piggy bank. And scrounging every penny will ensure you don’t have enough money to buy anything valuable, so really, you’re helping yourself out.
#4: Memorize the location of every one of your bank’s ATMs.
If you don’t have cash, you run the risk of getting kicked out of bars and cabs, and you’re definitely not getting your mouth on one of those bacon-wrapped street hot dogs. But never carry too much cash, that’ll just get you mugged.
#5: Assume that everyone you meet, you’ve already met or dated at some point prior.
This is the place where everybody knows your name, whether you want them to or not.There are approximately 800,000 people that call the city of San Francisco home. Many claim our city is a 7 by 7, but we all know if you live any farther out than the Inner Richmond and Inner Sunset, you’re a lunatic, and in that case, I don’t care if I’ve met you before or not. So by that math, and I use the word “math” loosely, that puts most of us on top of each other in a 3 by 3. And I do mean on top of each other, in some instances, depending on how much Fernet was consumed….
#6: Lastly, Learn how to mouth breathe.
In the course of an average day, you’ll come across at least 43 scents that will alert your attention for whatever reason. If you spend a lot of time in SoMa, like I do, that reason will be the smell is so nauseating, your gagger is going full force and you’re trying to keep down the hand-crafted, locally sourced, artisanal, $23 sandwich you had for lunch. About 94% of these smells come from the human body, yet the science community has only identified about 67% of them. And post-lunch is not the time for you to start pitching in. Mouth breathing, if you’re not familiar, is completely closing off air flow to your nose, and circulating all your oxygen through your mouth, thus cutting out your ability to smell anything. And if done vigorously with lots of flailing movements and some sort of animalistic sound interspersed here and there, you can easily use it to out crazy the crazy.
#1: Learn how to out crazy the crazy, or at least how to run fast.
I still haven’t figured out if the city makes you crazy, or just attracts crazies, but I never plan on sticking around long enough to find out the answer. The other day on the 38 Geary, a crackhead was hanging on to an overhead bar, clutching his lighter and violently twitching. A man in the back of the bus in his gravely street voice talked about kicking down doors and cracking heads and “the situation in Palestine.” And I swear to GOD the guy next to me crossed his fingers in hope he’d make it to his stop. They’re everywhere, even in Pac Heights, where I live, only they exist in a different form. The crazies there wear blazers while they collect cans and plug their salvaged laptops in to hidden outlets and steal wifi from Starbucks to watch YouTube videos. But they’re there, and they’re here, and that’s what you need to prepare yourself for. I can’t tell you how to out crazy the crazy, but I can suggest it involves loud noises, dramatic movements and possibly barking.
#2: Never buy anything of value, especially not an iPhone.
You may think of that Apple logo as a status symbol, but thieves think of it as something to trade in for a chunk of change at 7th & Mission. I was wrestled to the ground at Divisadero & Geary for a phone that was in my pocket, so it amazes me to see people on the bus and street practically offering their phones up like it’s on a serving platter. So, don’t waste money on expensive pieces of technology, and anyway, if there’s anything we can learn from Instagram reviving the popularity of old school-ness, it’s that Razr flip phones are on their way back in.
#3: Either earn a ton of money, or figure out how to scrounge every penny.
I’ve lived in the same studio apartment the entire four years I’ve been in San Francisco. When I first moved here, I was definitely not making the same money I am now. I lived it up, but I was not tossing cocktails back at the Ritz. And well, I guess I’m still not, but that’s just garish anyway. For the first 3 years I lived in my studio, I kept the same Ikea furniture I’d had in college and didn’t turn the heat on the save my life; literally, I think I almost lost a few toes to frostbite. I’d pre-party like I was 19 again and walk 2 miles alone at 2:30 am to save on cab fare. So if you’re not raking it in to live a normal life, which here in SF is at least $750,000 per year, figure out where you can throw a couple extra pennies toward the piggy bank. And scrounging every penny will ensure you don’t have enough money to buy anything valuable, so really, you’re helping yourself out.
#4: Memorize the location of every one of your bank’s ATMs.
If you don’t have cash, you run the risk of getting kicked out of bars and cabs, and you’re definitely not getting your mouth on one of those bacon-wrapped street hot dogs. But never carry too much cash, that’ll just get you mugged.
#5: Assume that everyone you meet, you’ve already met or dated at some point prior.
This is the place where everybody knows your name, whether you want them to or not.There are approximately 800,000 people that call the city of San Francisco home. Many claim our city is a 7 by 7, but we all know if you live any farther out than the Inner Richmond and Inner Sunset, you’re a lunatic, and in that case, I don’t care if I’ve met you before or not. So by that math, and I use the word “math” loosely, that puts most of us on top of each other in a 3 by 3. And I do mean on top of each other, in some instances, depending on how much Fernet was consumed….
#6: Lastly, Learn how to mouth breathe.
In the course of an average day, you’ll come across at least 43 scents that will alert your attention for whatever reason. If you spend a lot of time in SoMa, like I do, that reason will be the smell is so nauseating, your gagger is going full force and you’re trying to keep down the hand-crafted, locally sourced, artisanal, $23 sandwich you had for lunch. About 94% of these smells come from the human body, yet the science community has only identified about 67% of them. And post-lunch is not the time for you to start pitching in. Mouth breathing, if you’re not familiar, is completely closing off air flow to your nose, and circulating all your oxygen through your mouth, thus cutting out your ability to smell anything. And if done vigorously with lots of flailing movements and some sort of animalistic sound interspersed here and there, you can easily use it to out crazy the crazy.
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